i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
