I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
