So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
