i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
