How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
