his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize