She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
