I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This is the high leading the old right now
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
