I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
