Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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