Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
