he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize