Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
