The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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