Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
