My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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