I wish my penis had an off switch
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
