Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
