Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
