Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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