i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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