You can't motorboat a personality
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
