she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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