Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize