I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
