I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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