quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
