There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
