you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
