This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
