I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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