I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
only you would photoshop your dick
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
