Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
