Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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