The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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