Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
