Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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