Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
