Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
