I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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