It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
