just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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