I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize