Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So many bounce houses so little time
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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