The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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