You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
