we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
