woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
3pm strippers are depressing
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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