we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
