I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
