naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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