i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize