nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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