We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
